diary of Memories I Don’t have
diary of Memories I Don’t have
2010 - 2017 - sÃO pAULO, bRASIL
photography / video art / performance / EMDR / psychodramaSince a trauma sequence was suffered, I possessed PTSD, therefore so much of what had happened was considered by myself as fictional. However, EMDR working both hemispheres of the brain, reactivated processing experiments that had been forgotten or aggravated. The dialogue with the cerebral hemispheres with ocular stimulation and binaural sound, began the metabolization through photography. I seek for a possible rescue of the molecular memory through the picture. The result of this rescue are new memories occurred in a sequence of self-portraits, stimulated by sound and then reanalyzed in the case which includes these photo frames. Creating stories based on the pictures, you see as a viewer but adding to it a different ending which was actually experienced. This is the picture used as a desensitizer and reprocessor.
“Chimera to affirm the impossibility of transforming past experiences, because if I long for the sky without having wings, I am nothing more than a delusion for those who notice me, however, even though I am unable to fly by the fixed feet where I find myself predestined trapped, this ground that already roots me It's not absolute looking at what I so long for, my gaze is tied to desire, changing the entire perspective, creating rigidity so that I become the most beautiful of birds. This is the moment when I discover that accusing is the prisoner's consolation, as he points to what he does not know and believes that flying is an illness.”
Photography is used as a dramatic representation, in a central approach exploring the self-psyche, its emotional connections, mental disorders, traumas and depression, in the case of memories that occurred in a substantial past, to construct the present. This same past is over, allowing us to change lived situations, taking a new path to this experience through photographic reprocessing.
A derivative scene with great possibilities, in which the protagonist becomes an auxiliary ego, transforming his past into another's perspective, distancing himself from the script, desensitizing the situation through frames of his own images that tell each step of the story, although allowing physical, digital and contextual manipulation of the outcome. The daily heart, ready to receive changes under memories it no longer has. If there are ancestral beliefs, of past situations and characteristics, I believe that this income was cut when photography allowed me to materialize different extremes of all the stories attributed to the history that was made of me. It is not possible to return to the past, but each moment was reprocessed, redefining the signals and carrying out a self-process from the substance.
“Diary with Memories that I Don't Have” was started in 2010. I started photography with self-portraits and this symbolizes a sphere of catharsis for me. In photography, the need to expose situations unconsciously began,
traumatic disorders, depression and phobias that I had and at the time I didn't know how to express them.
It was also when I came into contact and identified with the well-known “suicide photographers”, specifically Francesca Woodman and Diane Arbus. Much was revealed through this process and then self-portraits were used as the basis of psychological treatments, specifically with psychodrama techniques (Jacob Levy Moreno – 1925) and EMDR (Francine Shapiro – 1987).
The photo was used as a basis for my difficulty in verbally exploring my experiences. There was an identification of my photography with the roles of Development Theory, Inversion Protagonism and Mirror Technique, which are techniques developed in Psychodrama and correspond to the phases of self-portrait as a catalyst experience. In the self-portrait, my auxiliary egos were responsible for the stage and, through this mirror, I applied EMDR (Desensitization and Reprocessing through Eye Movement) techniques. Once a sequence of trauma was suffered, I had PTSD, so so much of what happened was considered by me to be fictional.
However, EMDR working both hemispheres of the brain has reactivated processing experiences that had been forgotten or worsened. Dialogue with the cerebral hemispheres with ocular stimulation and binaural sound initiated metabolization through photography. I am looking for a possible recovery of molecular memory through imaging.
The result of this recovery are new memories occurring in a sequence of self-portraits, stimulated by sound and then reanalyzed in the case that includes these photo frames. Creating stories based on the images you see as a viewer, but adding to it a different ending that was actually experienced. This is the image used as a desensitizer and reprocessor.
self portraits
self portraits process
Children's Drawing Analysis
Paternally my family was mostly mentally disabled, in short, suffering from schizophrenia. By stimulation of a second-degree uncle, Sávio (codenamed) who suffered of this disease,
I started drawing everything that I felt and what was going on around me. Drawing was the first form of figurative expression of my trauma. Below, they address sexuality, abuse and domestic violence
and were made at the age of 3 to 5 years old.
veneno
My first self-portrait called “Veneno” – “Poison” english version – (2010, São Paulo, Brasil) was realized in honor of Sávio, my uncle. Sávio was always holding one apple which he cleaned exhaustively, but never ate.
For him, the apple was your world, where he had complete control over. That was my first experience with the materialization of the imagery. The picture is called “Poison”, making analogy with the tale “Snow White”.
The apple symbolizes his madness, which led to his death in a social context.
rape
“Rape” is my process of talking about the violations, which the only possible dialogue was with images – there is no voice, symbolically.
